The Vacuum Sucking Out the Vacation Pleasure Experience

I really enjoy going to new places, towns, sights, cultures and food experiences — but air travel just sucks the life out of you.

All these nimrods that are too cheap to check in their suitcase, so they try to bring it on board. Rolling, poking, pushing, shoving and slinging their over-size, over-loaded, over-packed "allegedly" carry-on type luggage, through small aisles of planes to insert them into a limited number of overhead bins which are smaller than the luggage — not to mention coats, laptops or foam replicas of the Empire State Building and wedding gifts for the newlyweds (who would rather have a gift card) — they're all clogging the boarding and deboarding process. 

Cut us all some slack — check your crap in before boarding! Southwest and Frontier don't even charge a DIME for your suitcases to be checked. Your 15-20 minutes of time saved by not checking your luggage is lost when all you jokers tie up EVERYONE on the plane upon landing or pre-takeoff.

On a recent flight, a woman had her suitcase open, blocking the aisle for the 45 people yet to board while she looked for her fuzzy slippers to wear on the plane. Oh, no, she didn't have time to do this BEFORE getting on the plane, because she was too busy talking on her cell phone at the airport about tuna casserole (it's a national crisis on the casserole front).

So my proposal is, limit everyone to an iPod, two magazines and a bottle of water (of course, chocolate is allowed for the ladies). Everyone would be happy (unless the airline sends your luggage to Timbuktu). But they accomplish that sometimes, anyway.

Crazy School Daze Are Off to the Races

Every year, problems start up when school starts because kids have to push the limits, parents go too far and the "educational system" is like no other. We demand safety, medical oversight, learning, social and athletic activities for "our" student (but just to the degree that I agree). Parents want all the other students to obey the rules, but "mine" can be the exception.

Check this out — our federal money for schools includes money from Mexico. No, I didn't make a mistake — Mexico gives over a MILLION dollars to help teach Mexicans to advance so they can (let's all say it together...) send money back to Mexico from the US, which was about $24 billion last year. Let the $24 billion pay some of the bad mortgages we are now paying for. France and Japan also provide educational assistance — are they sneaking in and we don't know it?

Now do you understand why we should have proof of citizenship to enroll kids in school? The federal government should provide schools just for illegal immigrants and their children. Our local schools are being forced to make unpopular choices because of overcrowding.

More crazy than that — what's the deal with all these teachers having affairs with students? Mostly, women are seducing these "pool/lawn boys" which isn't exactly difficult, since their testosty hormones are pegging off the charts. 

Here we go to the "back in my day" speech (ha!)... I had a little crush on my eighth grade French teacher, Marilyn Gore. (Rumor had it, she worked as an airline stewardess to put herself through college.) I found out later that she went to work at OCU as a recruiter and charmed Vince Orza into coming here for school. She was pretty, sophisticated, and just a "Big League Babe" (corny, sexist eighth-grader term, but meant in ultimate respect).

We've got a 33-year-old woman stealing IDs from her 15-year-old daughter so she can enroll herself back into high school so the woman (mother) can try out for cheerleader. She made it, but her check for the uniform deposit bounced. She claimed she wasn't a good math student (checkbook mania got her), and was sad to move from her old school. Gosh, I don't know why she didn't have custody of her daughter!

Guns at school, kids drinking and doing illegal substances and gangs terrorizing the town — I'm sure glad we're not back in the Wild West! Nonetheless, school spirit runs high everywhere, and on Friday night you probably could still steal everything in town while the folks are away to the next town for the "big game".

Look out! It's "fall break", and Halloween is on its way!!!

$700 Billion Dollar Bailout Smokescreen Hides the Real News this Week

With all this hubbub about the financial mess, Congress, VP debates and elections, maybe you missed some of the real news....

First, did you know that the world's fattest man, Mexican Manuel Uribe, has lost nearly 570 ponds — almost HALF his body weight — just in time to get married? He'll look rather dapper in his "tuxedo sheet" (the guy only wears sheets because he can't get out of bed), because you need something to pin the boutonniere to! Or...

A chef died from eating the hottest chili they could make. His wife's brother (brother-in-law in most of the 50 states) said he could make chili so HOTTTT!! that the chef couldn't eat it. Much to his demise, he proved him wrong. He won the bet. Congress didn't do this, but we'll probably have a study, project or bill that's funded by us (you and me, the taxpayers) to rate or make manufacturers of chili to mark them or give health warnings. They can't handle highways, taxes or big finance, but they're licking their chops to get a shot at "Peter Piper picked a pile of pickled (hot) peppers"!

Or they'll really sink their teeth into this — in England, the government is making the cigarette manufacturers put gross, graphic pictures on cigarette packs showing throat sores and cancerous lungs, with sayings such as, "Smoking causes fatal lung cancer" or "Smoking can cause a slow, painful death." Some of these look like fake tabloid pictures. Not for the faint of heart or little kids — but those two shouldn't be buying them, anyway. And you thought everything was happening in Washington!

In closing, just a little real estate helpful hint, since Halloween is coming up. In Oklahoma, like most states, it's up to the buyer to specifically ask the question to the seller in writing. What question would this be, you ask? "Is this house haunted?" Sellers have to disclose knowledge about lead-based paint, but not if anybody has died in the house, unless specifically asked. Also, in the city limits, it's not "cool" to bury your pet in the yard. They are just like family, but need to be laid to rest someplace else.

Have a good week, and write your check for the "bailout". Send it to me and I'll make sure it gets counted! (Ha! Ha! Ha!)

$700 Billion Bailout from the Banker (us) — Deal or No Deal?

Hey politicians — get a grip, buddy! This stuff is worse than a migraine epidemic in a hen house. The up-side, the down-side or not making it through the weekend. Presidential politics, regular politics and corrupt politics. We need to give Freddie and Fannie more money, or buy their loans (that's right — you and I) to keep this tainted paper from rotting in its own quagmire. While we're at it, let's (remember, I'm talking you and me, the tax-paying sons-or-daughters-of-a-gun) buy up Billy or Susie's, Frank or Holly's. Surely their loans are better-qualified, if they have any. 

I was in Texas several years ago and heard this jewel: "We will loan you 125% of your home's value." As a proud graduate of U.S. Grant High School, I scratched my head and almost had a mental freeze (like when you eat ice cream too fast). Why would anyone loan (or borrow) 125% of the value of almost anything? A home would be over-valued for at least five years if the value went up 5% per year. All I can say is, let the pit boss smoking the big cigar hand you the dice and hope you can roll like a sailor on shore leave!

The best bet is to be like the CEOs of the failed corporations and get big bucks for driving that sucker right into the ground. Long-term inflation, stagnant residuals, shareholders' pain, T-bills — it's not funny, but it sounds like the side effects of all those drugs they advertise on TV. They are good for something, but the side-effects will kill you.

This mess has been forming so long before the politicians actually did anything that we would have had 9,248 alerts from Gary England (if he was doing the financial crop warnings). Oh, no, we had to worry about the extinction of polar bears (which are more numerous now than ever before) or fighting big tobacco but not outlawing it because the taxes on cigarettes, cigars and dippers give the polecats (political polecats) some more money to squander.

Did you know the "Big Bailout" contains money for car people, pay-offs for student loans, and other assorted stuff NOT related to the home loans? Thanks to you (your money, that is), a lot of people will sleep tonight and go out and make the SAME LUNKHEAD finance choices next time. Are you ready to give them some more of your money? Will you have any left?

I guess we could have called the Help Line and talked to a guy in India named Habib to get the real technical answer to solve the problem, but we would miss the "Thrill of Victory and the Agony of the Politicians." Gee, Beaver, it's just like Eddie Haskell giving you the business. He doesn't mean it — he's just trying to be a big shot!

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Check your heating system before you need it. It needs cleaning every year for maximum performance, and energy prices will be HIGH this winter!

You Can Put Lipstick on It, But It's Still the State Fair

Differences of opinion prevail, but some think the State Fair has been sanitized too much. Several years ago, some of the traditions were cast off or have been eliminated because of political correctness. No freak shows, oddities or motorcycle daredevils — not even a man turning into a gorilla right before your very eyes (like every 20 minutes or so).

People are still waiting in long lines for midway rides designed to jerk you, shake you, toss you and bounce you around. Loud rock music and fancy lights blare the sirens' call to lure the half-drunk teens or mid-twenties getting a thrill for two minutes and 31 seconds for $5.00 out of their system.

Then there are the kiddie rides. This is where the parents on a ride operated by characters who, under normal circumstances, are the people these parents are warning their kids to look out for and not talk to or "take candy from". We have strict training and certification to operate a boat in the Bricktown canal (which is three to four feet deep, at the most), but not the rides at the fair. Governor Brad thought this to be too hard on the people — after all, we only had one fatality in Tulsa on a ride last year.

The "dunk tank guy" was back this year with all his insulting banter which demeans everyone and everything within earshot. Perfect for a 12-year-old boy to hear and adopt into his limited communication skills. (Hey, you gave Junior $20 and four hours free to roam at the fair.)

The next big crackdown at the (everybody sing: "The Great State Fair of Oooklaahoma") is the food police. All these healthy, vegan, fat-free, cholesterol-testing, carb-counting busybodies must have their blood pressures go off the charts with these time bombs ticking on the grills and in the deep fryers. They had a new one this year — garlic mashed potatoes lumped into a wedge, then deep-fried on a stick. Just grab one and do the "glob in my veins" happy dance!

Even the carney games have been cleaned up to look like "Chucky Cheese" instead of the seedy, rigged carney sucker-magnets that they really are. Also, nobody is carrying around yardsticks anymore with some business name that nobody read, but were great for sword fights in the car on the way home. Forty-nine booths selling cheap sunglasses and food sealers — how has the world survived without these?

One thing holds true — the car is always parked farther away when you're leaving the fair than when you got there. WHO MOVES THEM????