Sunday, September 28, 2008

$700 Billion Bailout from the Banker (us) — Deal or No Deal?

Hey politicians — get a grip, buddy! This stuff is worse than a migraine epidemic in a hen house. The up-side, the down-side or not making it through the weekend. Presidential politics, regular politics and corrupt politics. We need to give Freddie and Fannie more money, or buy their loans (that's right — you and I) to keep this tainted paper from rotting in its own quagmire. While we're at it, let's (remember, I'm talking you and me, the tax-paying sons-or-daughters-of-a-gun) buy up Billy or Susie's, Frank or Holly's. Surely their loans are better-qualified, if they have any. 

I was in Texas several years ago and heard this jewel: "We will loan you 125% of your home's value." As a proud graduate of U.S. Grant High School, I scratched my head and almost had a mental freeze (like when you eat ice cream too fast). Why would anyone loan (or borrow) 125% of the value of almost anything? A home would be over-valued for at least five years if the value went up 5% per year. All I can say is, let the pit boss smoking the big cigar hand you the dice and hope you can roll like a sailor on shore leave!

The best bet is to be like the CEOs of the failed corporations and get big bucks for driving that sucker right into the ground. Long-term inflation, stagnant residuals, shareholders' pain, T-bills — it's not funny, but it sounds like the side effects of all those drugs they advertise on TV. They are good for something, but the side-effects will kill you.

This mess has been forming so long before the politicians actually did anything that we would have had 9,248 alerts from Gary England (if he was doing the financial crop warnings). Oh, no, we had to worry about the extinction of polar bears (which are more numerous now than ever before) or fighting big tobacco but not outlawing it because the taxes on cigarettes, cigars and dippers give the polecats (political polecats) some more money to squander.

Did you know the "Big Bailout" contains money for car people, pay-offs for student loans, and other assorted stuff NOT related to the home loans? Thanks to you (your money, that is), a lot of people will sleep tonight and go out and make the SAME LUNKHEAD finance choices next time. Are you ready to give them some more of your money? Will you have any left?

I guess we could have called the Help Line and talked to a guy in India named Habib to get the real technical answer to solve the problem, but we would miss the "Thrill of Victory and the Agony of the Politicians." Gee, Beaver, it's just like Eddie Haskell giving you the business. He doesn't mean it — he's just trying to be a big shot!

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Check your heating system before you need it. It needs cleaning every year for maximum performance, and energy prices will be HIGH this winter!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

You Can Put Lipstick on It, But It's Still the State Fair

Differences of opinion prevail, but some think the State Fair has been sanitized too much. Several years ago, some of the traditions were cast off or have been eliminated because of political correctness. No freak shows, oddities or motorcycle daredevils — not even a man turning into a gorilla right before your very eyes (like every 20 minutes or so).

People are still waiting in long lines for midway rides designed to jerk you, shake you, toss you and bounce you around. Loud rock music and fancy lights blare the sirens' call to lure the half-drunk teens or mid-twenties getting a thrill for two minutes and 31 seconds for $5.00 out of their system.

Then there are the kiddie rides. This is where the parents on a ride operated by characters who, under normal circumstances, are the people these parents are warning their kids to look out for and not talk to or "take candy from". We have strict training and certification to operate a boat in the Bricktown canal (which is three to four feet deep, at the most), but not the rides at the fair. Governor Brad thought this to be too hard on the people — after all, we only had one fatality in Tulsa on a ride last year.

The "dunk tank guy" was back this year with all his insulting banter which demeans everyone and everything within earshot. Perfect for a 12-year-old boy to hear and adopt into his limited communication skills. (Hey, you gave Junior $20 and four hours free to roam at the fair.)

The next big crackdown at the (everybody sing: "The Great State Fair of Oooklaahoma") is the food police. All these healthy, vegan, fat-free, cholesterol-testing, carb-counting busybodies must have their blood pressures go off the charts with these time bombs ticking on the grills and in the deep fryers. They had a new one this year — garlic mashed potatoes lumped into a wedge, then deep-fried on a stick. Just grab one and do the "glob in my veins" happy dance!

Even the carney games have been cleaned up to look like "Chucky Cheese" instead of the seedy, rigged carney sucker-magnets that they really are. Also, nobody is carrying around yardsticks anymore with some business name that nobody read, but were great for sword fights in the car on the way home. Forty-nine booths selling cheap sunglasses and food sealers — how has the world survived without these?

One thing holds true — the car is always parked farther away when you're leaving the fair than when you got there. WHO MOVES THEM????

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Not to brag, but I'm the luckiest, most honest, most trustworthy and best-known person in the whole wide world! Let me give forth some facts to back up this bold statement...

Every day — almost every hour — I WIN something all over the world (never in Oklahoma's lottery, however — or even in Oklahoma, period). Did I mention I'm pretty slick also, because without even entering, I've won the Grand German Giveaway, United Kingdom Sweepstakes, Spanish Spectorama, Canadian Cash Provincial Prize Powerball and Japanese Joyful Jackpot (as notified per my e-mail).

These prizes are in pounds, yen, franks, or various other countries' currencies, all awaiting my bank info to deposit into my account. (I've got sad news for them — my bank account would have a "nervous breakdown" if it saw more than a couple of grand!)

Speaking of the Oklahoma lottery, think about this: Do you know anybody who's actually won it very big? I know it's for the kids (don't tell them we're gambling on their education). Seriously, they've had to increase the promotion money to even get people to play. 

Nope, I haven't won it big in any of Oklahoma's 90-plus casinos, either. Did you know we had that many??? Seventy-seven counties and over 90 casinos (Texas and Arkansas are still throwing a no-hitter). Naming them out loud sounds like a Gary England weather report!

Back to me — widows or orphans, lawyers representing estates, politicians fighting corrupt regimes, people needing business partners, and all from outside the US of A. They find the "Glenster" tucked away in Oklahoma to help them with the big bucks. I'm kind of a super-hero, like maybe "Captain Clearinghouse" — funnel me the funds and I'll save the day!

Some of these people are the Minister of this and the Emperor of that (some big-shot whoopee-do in the third-world la-la-land pecking order). I should have been able to retire already with the "fees" I make off this, but then who'd be "Captain Clearinghouse" for the next hoaxter in distress?

All their letters are marked urgent and their pleas are desperate, but they need to understand that it's hard on my end. When I waltz into my bank to tell them someone will be wiring $10 million into my account, and I will keep $1 million and forward the balance to their business suppliers, they laugh at me. "Whoa, stop! Come on now, buddy. Where's the camera? Is this one of those YouTube doo-dah deals to make us look like a goober?" Or do they just hit the hidden button for security to escort my butt outta there? See the problem for me???

I tell them, just send me cash (in unmarked bills) through the US mail — and if it makes it through the US Postal System, it'll make it through anything.

I'll admit to two things: First, I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket and won... another scratch-off lottery ticket. Secondly, those guys have probably been following my career my whole life. I was on Foreman Scotty (rode Woody, the Birthday Horse), the Ho-Ho the Clown Show, and I'm now on Cox Channel 22, Go Scout Homes. That's how I figure they can find me in little old Oklahoma. ("Hey, I don't want to make money, I just want to sell copiers!!!") Whoops — I had a flashback for a minute!

Well, lucky, honest, trustworthy and known world-wide — now you can add that my mommy didn't raise a dummy. Don't trust your e-mails and, as Danny Williams always said, "Watch out for flying chairs."

TIP: Clean your gutters out for better flow.