Postal Service (the dysfunctional family of bureaucracy) Needs More $$$$

The Ray Charles commemorative stamp is singing "It's Crying Time Again" for the US Postal Service, so get on your raincoats and waders...

As the pompous head of this mish-mosh testified before Congress (another dysfunctional family) with his glasses slipped down to the end of his nose, and looking over them at the panel, "With the rise in electronic communications driving profound and permanent changes in the MAIL MIX as we entered the new century, it became clear that this model was being rendered obsolete."

Wow! That's worth his hefty retirement package right there. The "model" he refers to looks like a model (car, airplane, train) put together by a young lad with glue that he's sniffed way, way too much of in an enclosed room.

The first thing that comes to mind is that every post office has four to six slots for customer service inside, but there are usually only two of them open at any given time. I challenge you to go into any metro post office and find the slots all being manned. The USPS (United States Postal Service) has 37,000 facilities with two or more slots open per place (or one if it's a two-holer service desk). These don't include the 400 large special-purpose mail processing plants used as sorting centers. USPS has 220,000 motor vehicles (of which many are driven from the wrong side — not too swift for resale value).

Let's look at the "model" further, my friend. They sell, stock and inventory a lot of "stuff", crap or junk. I realize they need to sell mailing supplies, but why pre-inked rubber stamps? What's the deal with games, puzzles, stuffed animals, NASCAR paraphernalia, books (let people go to Barnes & Noble or their local bookstore), a plethora of stamp collecting stuff (Hobby Lobby or the local stamp store might wonder why their tax dollars are competing with them), or all these bazillion different stamps of all prices?

Think about it — if there is $1,000 worth of all this inventory at every one of the 37,000 locations, that equates to $37 MILLION dollars of inventory just lying around gathering dust. All this crap needs to be bought at the Dollar Tree, not the post office. One of the post office's main functions used to be to display pictures of America's Most Wanted, but they don't even do that good anymore.

Do the postmen still wear pith helmets? Plus, the fashion police are "on the case" with those knee-high black tube sock thingies.

Hey wait — I just found an Elvis stamp with his hair not greased up. It must be a collector's item worth a zillion dollars! I'll donate it to the USPS if they just won't disappear to the back when it's finally my turn at the counter. 

I received a letter with a Kwanzaa stamp on it last July — what's the deal with that???

You Think "It's Just Girl Scout Cookies"

This time of year, each and every year for over five decades, a plague worse than the one spread by those pesky Keebler elves, is when the market is flooded by Girl Scout cookies. The little lasses are at your workplace, in front of Wal-Mart, at church, at sporting events, or even door-to-door (your front door). Peanut butter, pecan sandies, chocolate chips, and the "heroin or crack cocaine" of cookies — chocolate mint! Most people slip those buggers in the fridge to put a cool chill on the chocolate mint.

These girls selling, distributing or shilling those taste treats were whipped into a frenzy with hopes of winning sales prizes, personal accolades or Troop Supremacy of the Western World (which now is international). 

What you don't realize as you reach for your wallet is that this is a carefully orchestrated plot by a Star Chamber of women MLMs (multi-level marketers), put in place years ago (could have been part of the women's movement) for subversive training. Womatrons representing Arbonne, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Avon, Home Interior, Sarah Coventry, Lingerie Lady, Mary Kay, Paula's Purses, Noni Juice, Prime America, or the big dog — Amway — all gathered in a secret spot to put together this coup d'état of the Girl Scouts to incubate little sample soldiers for their cause. The location of this meeting is not known for sure, and the only clues are: (1) it's at a really cool full-blown spa, and (2) it's in the close radius of some of the US of A's "prime shopping" areas.

They all realized a happy face, quality product and cute uniform would teach these lassies how to "ask for the order" without much of an opportunity for rejection. Just count on the fingers of one hand how many times you've said "no." Over the years, you've probably said no unless by chance two Scouts in a row tagged you.

So, my friend, I'm warning you — if you buy those cookies from her today, it's like getting a dollar sign stamped on your forehead. She put you in her internal database for the rest of your natural-born days. I hope you need make-up, vitamins or a really, really expensive set of cooking pots, because you're now like a deer in the headlights!

As the plot thickens, my friends, red-white-and-blue-adorned Camp Fire Girls start the second surge upon us, with the annual candy sale drive. Do you see a pattern, anyone??? Oh, well — pass those coconut cookies — they're my favorite....

2008: Year of the Fish Bait (as the Chinese name them)

Yeah, 2008 smells, stinks and reeks of crooked politics, greed and idiot's disease running rampant. Congress spent money the last few years like drunken sailors on leave. Companies ran up stock prices with Wall Streeters soaking it for millions, then begging for help like college kids gone wild. Crime is on the upswing everywhere, but on a positive note, President Bush kept us safe from terrorist attacks.

Loads of natural disasters, like flooding in the Midwest (but we'll just build back in the same place, assuming it won't flood again). Housing markets, property values and shady mortgage loans caused lots of problems. Well, guess what, folks? Some people shouldn't own a home! Our poor are so well-off compared to other countries. Food stamps with (cell phones, big or multiple TVs, computers, internet access and junk food).

Enough downer stuff — what else happened this year? Well, the closing (or moving) of one of my beloved icons, Yankee Stadium, was almost overshadowed by one of its players, A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) being of the married person kind, whose little peccadillo of DATING another married high-profile type, Madonna (what Britney Spears wants to be when she grows up — the poster lady for explaining the need for foster children). Did they think nobody in New York would notice?

As they used to say, "Jimmy the Greek won't touch them odds" pertaining to the alleged safest bets for 2008:

• Patriots (undefeated) will beat the Giants in the Superbowl

• Hillary Rodham Clinton is a "lock" for the Democrat presidential nominee.
  

That, my friends, is why they call it a bet.

People screamed and cursed adamantly that Sarah Palin wasn't qualified but those same "progressives" are now saying Caroline Kennedy is qualified to be a US Senator, mostly because of her parents. Shoot, then — let's make the case for Chastity Bono. Her parents were famous, had a lot of money, knew all the "beautiful people," her father was a Congressman and a mayor, her mother has been to a zillion countries worldwide. Put her in a dressy flannel plaid shirt and Chastity Bono will hit the ground running.

When Russia invaded Georgia this year, Jimmy Carter had to fly back to Atlanta in hopes of saving the peanut farms, only to find out that (as usual with him) his calculations were a few thousand off.

Paul Newman passed on this year — I didn't like his politics, but his food is good and the foundation does positive stuff. Speaking of stuff — George Carlin also passed on, but his routine about "stuff" was a classic (or for you younger people — LOL!).

Things never got bad enough for Forbes magazine not to notice the fictional side of wealth. Forbes named the top 15 fictional wealthiest people, with #5 Thurston Howell III, #4 Scrooge McDuck, #3 Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks (got his during the Depression), #2 Richie Rich, and (drum roll, please) #1 Santa Claus (who'd have thought he could beat out Gordon Gekko?).

I hope your Christmas was merry, and have a Happy New Year 2009 — Year of the Lug Nut.

Merry CHRISTmas, for God's sake, people...

Now then, let's have a reality check. Christmas does after all have the word CHRIST in its midst, but several groups and people in a slight minority have been on a campaign to take the word out. 

The American Humanist Association (was it hard for them to find each other, because there's not one of their buildings at major corners of every town in the US of A, like churches?) has a campaign in Washington, DC with pithy statements on public buses like "Why believe in a god?" (lower case theirs, not mine — for lightning purposes). "Just be good for goodness' sake." They say the reason is because the agnostics, atheists and other kinds of non-theists feel a little alone during the "holidays" because of its association with traditional religion.

I may be an Okie from the old ages (I can remember the '60s, but in a somewhat purple haze), but isn't this like saying you're rolling a fruitcake tin on an oil leak trail to find a sweet used car?

Say it, just spit it out — MERRY CHRISTMAS! Years ago, everyone said it. We respected our Jewish friends and others, but they knew we extended our humanity to them because of the CHRIST in Christmas was in our spirit, giving us a gentle nudge when we needed it.

I'll admit that we've let commercialization take over and rule. One sad note is the Wal-Mart employee being crushed needlessly. Or children being torn apart among numerous parents and grandparents. Out among us are silly things exasperated by the cloak of the season.

Plus, the Christmas season is full of interesting events, stories and melon thumpers. Take for instance the baby Jesus in a nativity scene outside a church that was stolen, but tracked down because of a GPS chip implanted in the infant. What kind of hot seat in hell do you get on the front row for heisting the Heavenly Father's Son? That dude's gonna glow in the dark for eternity!

Have you heard about the Santa Claus-suited nut job that got caught shoplifting, then used counterfeit money to pay his bail? Who said the District Attorney's office doesn't chase bad checks (or phony cash) in a quick, timely manner to seek recovery?

Another Santa was spotted breaking into a home and told the neighbor that he was doing a surprise like a "singing telegram", but of course was LYING and set the alarm off.

We say MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

The Vacuum Sucking Out the Vacation Pleasure Experience

I really enjoy going to new places, towns, sights, cultures and food experiences — but air travel just sucks the life out of you.

All these nimrods that are too cheap to check in their suitcase, so they try to bring it on board. Rolling, poking, pushing, shoving and slinging their over-size, over-loaded, over-packed "allegedly" carry-on type luggage, through small aisles of planes to insert them into a limited number of overhead bins which are smaller than the luggage — not to mention coats, laptops or foam replicas of the Empire State Building and wedding gifts for the newlyweds (who would rather have a gift card) — they're all clogging the boarding and deboarding process. 

Cut us all some slack — check your crap in before boarding! Southwest and Frontier don't even charge a DIME for your suitcases to be checked. Your 15-20 minutes of time saved by not checking your luggage is lost when all you jokers tie up EVERYONE on the plane upon landing or pre-takeoff.

On a recent flight, a woman had her suitcase open, blocking the aisle for the 45 people yet to board while she looked for her fuzzy slippers to wear on the plane. Oh, no, she didn't have time to do this BEFORE getting on the plane, because she was too busy talking on her cell phone at the airport about tuna casserole (it's a national crisis on the casserole front).

So my proposal is, limit everyone to an iPod, two magazines and a bottle of water (of course, chocolate is allowed for the ladies). Everyone would be happy (unless the airline sends your luggage to Timbuktu). But they accomplish that sometimes, anyway.

Crazy School Daze Are Off to the Races

Every year, problems start up when school starts because kids have to push the limits, parents go too far and the "educational system" is like no other. We demand safety, medical oversight, learning, social and athletic activities for "our" student (but just to the degree that I agree). Parents want all the other students to obey the rules, but "mine" can be the exception.

Check this out — our federal money for schools includes money from Mexico. No, I didn't make a mistake — Mexico gives over a MILLION dollars to help teach Mexicans to advance so they can (let's all say it together...) send money back to Mexico from the US, which was about $24 billion last year. Let the $24 billion pay some of the bad mortgages we are now paying for. France and Japan also provide educational assistance — are they sneaking in and we don't know it?

Now do you understand why we should have proof of citizenship to enroll kids in school? The federal government should provide schools just for illegal immigrants and their children. Our local schools are being forced to make unpopular choices because of overcrowding.

More crazy than that — what's the deal with all these teachers having affairs with students? Mostly, women are seducing these "pool/lawn boys" which isn't exactly difficult, since their testosty hormones are pegging off the charts. 

Here we go to the "back in my day" speech (ha!)... I had a little crush on my eighth grade French teacher, Marilyn Gore. (Rumor had it, she worked as an airline stewardess to put herself through college.) I found out later that she went to work at OCU as a recruiter and charmed Vince Orza into coming here for school. She was pretty, sophisticated, and just a "Big League Babe" (corny, sexist eighth-grader term, but meant in ultimate respect).

We've got a 33-year-old woman stealing IDs from her 15-year-old daughter so she can enroll herself back into high school so the woman (mother) can try out for cheerleader. She made it, but her check for the uniform deposit bounced. She claimed she wasn't a good math student (checkbook mania got her), and was sad to move from her old school. Gosh, I don't know why she didn't have custody of her daughter!

Guns at school, kids drinking and doing illegal substances and gangs terrorizing the town — I'm sure glad we're not back in the Wild West! Nonetheless, school spirit runs high everywhere, and on Friday night you probably could still steal everything in town while the folks are away to the next town for the "big game".

Look out! It's "fall break", and Halloween is on its way!!!

$700 Billion Bailout from the Banker (us) — Deal or No Deal?

Hey politicians — get a grip, buddy! This stuff is worse than a migraine epidemic in a hen house. The up-side, the down-side or not making it through the weekend. Presidential politics, regular politics and corrupt politics. We need to give Freddie and Fannie more money, or buy their loans (that's right — you and I) to keep this tainted paper from rotting in its own quagmire. While we're at it, let's (remember, I'm talking you and me, the tax-paying sons-or-daughters-of-a-gun) buy up Billy or Susie's, Frank or Holly's. Surely their loans are better-qualified, if they have any. 

I was in Texas several years ago and heard this jewel: "We will loan you 125% of your home's value." As a proud graduate of U.S. Grant High School, I scratched my head and almost had a mental freeze (like when you eat ice cream too fast). Why would anyone loan (or borrow) 125% of the value of almost anything? A home would be over-valued for at least five years if the value went up 5% per year. All I can say is, let the pit boss smoking the big cigar hand you the dice and hope you can roll like a sailor on shore leave!

The best bet is to be like the CEOs of the failed corporations and get big bucks for driving that sucker right into the ground. Long-term inflation, stagnant residuals, shareholders' pain, T-bills — it's not funny, but it sounds like the side effects of all those drugs they advertise on TV. They are good for something, but the side-effects will kill you.

This mess has been forming so long before the politicians actually did anything that we would have had 9,248 alerts from Gary England (if he was doing the financial crop warnings). Oh, no, we had to worry about the extinction of polar bears (which are more numerous now than ever before) or fighting big tobacco but not outlawing it because the taxes on cigarettes, cigars and dippers give the polecats (political polecats) some more money to squander.

Did you know the "Big Bailout" contains money for car people, pay-offs for student loans, and other assorted stuff NOT related to the home loans? Thanks to you (your money, that is), a lot of people will sleep tonight and go out and make the SAME LUNKHEAD finance choices next time. Are you ready to give them some more of your money? Will you have any left?

I guess we could have called the Help Line and talked to a guy in India named Habib to get the real technical answer to solve the problem, but we would miss the "Thrill of Victory and the Agony of the Politicians." Gee, Beaver, it's just like Eddie Haskell giving you the business. He doesn't mean it — he's just trying to be a big shot!

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Check your heating system before you need it. It needs cleaning every year for maximum performance, and energy prices will be HIGH this winter!

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Not to brag, but I'm the luckiest, most honest, most trustworthy and best-known person in the whole wide world! Let me give forth some facts to back up this bold statement...

Every day — almost every hour — I WIN something all over the world (never in Oklahoma's lottery, however — or even in Oklahoma, period). Did I mention I'm pretty slick also, because without even entering, I've won the Grand German Giveaway, United Kingdom Sweepstakes, Spanish Spectorama, Canadian Cash Provincial Prize Powerball and Japanese Joyful Jackpot (as notified per my e-mail).

These prizes are in pounds, yen, franks, or various other countries' currencies, all awaiting my bank info to deposit into my account. (I've got sad news for them — my bank account would have a "nervous breakdown" if it saw more than a couple of grand!)

Speaking of the Oklahoma lottery, think about this: Do you know anybody who's actually won it very big? I know it's for the kids (don't tell them we're gambling on their education). Seriously, they've had to increase the promotion money to even get people to play. 

Nope, I haven't won it big in any of Oklahoma's 90-plus casinos, either. Did you know we had that many??? Seventy-seven counties and over 90 casinos (Texas and Arkansas are still throwing a no-hitter). Naming them out loud sounds like a Gary England weather report!

Back to me — widows or orphans, lawyers representing estates, politicians fighting corrupt regimes, people needing business partners, and all from outside the US of A. They find the "Glenster" tucked away in Oklahoma to help them with the big bucks. I'm kind of a super-hero, like maybe "Captain Clearinghouse" — funnel me the funds and I'll save the day!

Some of these people are the Minister of this and the Emperor of that (some big-shot whoopee-do in the third-world la-la-land pecking order). I should have been able to retire already with the "fees" I make off this, but then who'd be "Captain Clearinghouse" for the next hoaxter in distress?

All their letters are marked urgent and their pleas are desperate, but they need to understand that it's hard on my end. When I waltz into my bank to tell them someone will be wiring $10 million into my account, and I will keep $1 million and forward the balance to their business suppliers, they laugh at me. "Whoa, stop! Come on now, buddy. Where's the camera? Is this one of those YouTube doo-dah deals to make us look like a goober?" Or do they just hit the hidden button for security to escort my butt outta there? See the problem for me???

I tell them, just send me cash (in unmarked bills) through the US mail — and if it makes it through the US Postal System, it'll make it through anything.

I'll admit to two things: First, I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket and won... another scratch-off lottery ticket. Secondly, those guys have probably been following my career my whole life. I was on Foreman Scotty (rode Woody, the Birthday Horse), the Ho-Ho the Clown Show, and I'm now on Cox Channel 22, Go Scout Homes. That's how I figure they can find me in little old Oklahoma. ("Hey, I don't want to make money, I just want to sell copiers!!!") Whoops — I had a flashback for a minute!

Well, lucky, honest, trustworthy and known world-wide — now you can add that my mommy didn't raise a dummy. Don't trust your e-mails and, as Danny Williams always said, "Watch out for flying chairs."

TIP: Clean your gutters out for better flow.

The Olympics in China — Isn't That Special?

Well, most of us have been mesmerized by the swimming, gymnastics or beach volleyball the last couple of weeks. Many a late night has been spent watching the world's best athletes compete for their countries and the gold. People have stretched the recording capacity of their DVRs and TiVos. 

The Opening Ceremonies were like a huge Chinese New Year's wingding with fireworks, spectacle, pageantry and music. The Chinese tried very hard to pull it off. Digital enhanced fireworks for television viewing, plus the "Chinese Idol" singer thingy. They have a contest like American Idol, in which a little girl wins the singing contest — then at the last moment, they substitute a cuter model-type kid and lipsync the song. (I bet her mom is looking over her shoulder all the time for the singer's mom — maybe a little acupuncture-in-the-back revenge.) 

Rumor is, they had a showing of the newest Hollywood movie for just the athletes competing, and Chinese women gymnasts and divers couldn't get in because it was rated PG-13. I've picked on them enough, but why hasn't NBC done an up-close (with that goofy tall lady that nobody remembers) story about a Chinese Fire Drill? We've all heard about them our whole life, and I'm sure our conception is way off the true mark. What's the deal?

This "Rhythmic Gymnastics" deal, where they dance and tumble with streamers, hula hoops and batons looks like what the girls made up in the back yard on a boring summer evening. They are keeping this event, have BMX bicycle races (is this not a hoot?), as an event — but they are eliminating women's softball. That's right, women's softball is being cancelled, even though 181 countries are members of the World Softball Association. Hey, Olympic ping pong players — wipe that snicker off your face because you could be next!

What's the deal with the divers getting out of the pool, going to an open shower and wiping down with a little shammy cloth?

Overall, we need to be proud of all our athletes who put so much time into training, effort and sacrifice. They represented our country with honor and dignity (even the pro basketball guys, which I know was hard those spoiled brats).

God Bless the USA!

Singing Cowboys Hang Their Heads and Cry

Wow! The "Naked Singing Cowboy" from New York City is in a huge battle with Peanut M&Ms over slamming his identity (or could it be a money issue?). Let's get to the bottom of this, the background and the real circumstances.

I'm a huge fan of westerns, cowboys — and yes, even singing cowboys. Growing up, I couldn't get enough of Gene Autry (a museum dedicated to him still exists in Gene Autry, Oklahoma), Roy Rogers, Jimmie Wakely, Johnny Mack Brown or the numerous other movie cowboys.

These cowboys could sing, ride, rope and display the characteristics of strong moral values. They knew kids looked up to them. They saved the day and made right all the wrongs in the Old West. Some wore kind of wild western wear, but mostly really wearable western wear. Plus, they were into being respectful of women, and were always polite.

Let's now take a look at the "Naked Singing Cowboy" (well, not really...). Who is this guy? He wears a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and wears only "tighty whitey" Fruit of the Loom briefs. He's got a guitar and he prowls the streets of New York playing, singing and accepting money for his "performance art". He sometimes sells advertising on his shorts and guitar.

This New York oddball has finagled his way onto guest appearances on television, motion pictures and print media. He's really well known, and I don't think there's a lot of "Naked Singing Cowboy" imitators. In Oklahoma, he and they would probably be arrested. A naked singing cowboy in Bricktown is likely not in our near future.

For most of you who don't know, a woman (definitely not a lady) can go topless in public in New York City (which is not the law of the land in most places). So if your 12-, 13- or 14-year-old boys run away, they might go to New York City instead of California. If you've ever been to New York City, you'll realize that the "Naked Singing Cowboy" is just a small part of the whole bizarre mix!

Our precious M&Ms decided to include in their new upbeat, cartoonish advertising campaign a peanut M&M in "tighty whiteys" with a cowboy hat and a guitar. If people associate this with that New York CIty NUT, he ought to be honored — attention seems to be his goal in life. Does he deserve any $$$ for this satirical parody? I think not. He should be flattered, but definitely not compensated.

Chad Stevens (the Fowler car commercial guy) does parodies all the time — like the Mathis Brothers (holding the dog was priceless), UPS (playing with the marker on the whiteboard), and the infamous noodling movie parody. I don't think those people are suing him!

Besides, all the "Naked Singing Cowboy" needs is a gym membership, because he doesn't buy clothes and food (no shirt, no service). If they give him anything, it should be peanuts (M&Ms, that is) or sunscreen.

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Check your roofs — with all this weather we've had, even newer roofs might have been severely damaged. check it out before leaks start or other problems occur.

If you know someone buying or selling a home, tell them to call me. Thanks, and let's all look forward to a great 4th of July!!!