Wednesday, January 28, 2009

You Think "It's Just Girl Scout Cookies"

This time of year, each and every year for over five decades, a plague worse than the one spread by those pesky Keebler elves, is when the market is flooded by Girl Scout cookies. The little lasses are at your workplace, in front of Wal-Mart, at church, at sporting events, or even door-to-door (your front door). Peanut butter, pecan sandies, chocolate chips, and the "heroin or crack cocaine" of cookies — chocolate mint! Most people slip those buggers in the fridge to put a cool chill on the chocolate mint.

These girls selling, distributing or shilling those taste treats were whipped into a frenzy with hopes of winning sales prizes, personal accolades or Troop Supremacy of the Western World (which now is international). 

What you don't realize as you reach for your wallet is that this is a carefully orchestrated plot by a Star Chamber of women MLMs (multi-level marketers), put in place years ago (could have been part of the women's movement) for subversive training. Womatrons representing Arbonne, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Avon, Home Interior, Sarah Coventry, Lingerie Lady, Mary Kay, Paula's Purses, Noni Juice, Prime America, or the big dog — Amway — all gathered in a secret spot to put together this coup d'├ętat of the Girl Scouts to incubate little sample soldiers for their cause. The location of this meeting is not known for sure, and the only clues are: (1) it's at a really cool full-blown spa, and (2) it's in the close radius of some of the US of A's "prime shopping" areas.

They all realized a happy face, quality product and cute uniform would teach these lassies how to "ask for the order" without much of an opportunity for rejection. Just count on the fingers of one hand how many times you've said "no." Over the years, you've probably said no unless by chance two Scouts in a row tagged you.

So, my friend, I'm warning you — if you buy those cookies from her today, it's like getting a dollar sign stamped on your forehead. She put you in her internal database for the rest of your natural-born days. I hope you need make-up, vitamins or a really, really expensive set of cooking pots, because you're now like a deer in the headlights!

As the plot thickens, my friends, red-white-and-blue-adorned Camp Fire Girls start the second surge upon us, with the annual candy sale drive. Do you see a pattern, anyone??? Oh, well — pass those coconut cookies — they're my favorite....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Let's Put the Lid on the Big Bowl

Well, sports fans, I'm writing this before the HUGE BCS championship game. Having this on Thursday night is a heart-wrenching exercise of conflict — not the game, but not being able to watch Grey's Anatomy live (some "former wives" told their spouses to DVR the game).

To get to this point, we had 34 Bowl games. Two things you didn't know before are 34 Bowl games and Oklahoma has 96 Indian casinos, of which none have a "Sports Book" to place a bet on any of these games. Probably somewhere there is a guy doing "free seminars" at the Holiday Inn for you to buy his DVDs and tapes on "How to Be a Successful Bookie" (testimonials on request).

Back on subject — you've been Oranged, Sugared, Papa Johned, Meineked, Emeriled, Gatored, and Chik-Fil-A-ed into a lathered-up frenzy. Except the Sun Bowl with Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh, whose score was 3-0 (even Gatorade was ashamed that they didn't just pour a cup on the winning coach), where they missed the coach with the water cooler.

I have three suggestions for Bowl season:
  1. They need to have the eHarmony Bowl, where a man and a woman meet online to get their tickets, plus be paired up. A long date of pre-game, going to the game together, and then an after-activity of their mutual choice. A lot can be ascertained this way — did he ignore her, or she him? Did he or she have to explain the game during a good part? Did they behave like little ladies and gentlemen? Remember, after any knock-down, please go back to your respective corners...
  2. Banning of all E.D. commercials during the games. Most guys over 25 are wishing they were young and back playing football themselves, not just watching it. Even if you have a "problem of extending past four hours", nobody is going to the hospital until the game is over.
  3. We need the "Little People's Bowl" because they deserve to play just like anyone else.
I hope you got a Slingin' Sammy Bradford shirt with his name written in Cherokee (rumor has it, you can walk across hot coals with one) or the Tim Tebow Towel, which lets you walk on water, plus it soaks up 10 times more than a normal chamois. 

Don't mourn the end of the Bowl season too much — "March Madness" is closer than you think!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

To Bowl or Not to Bowl

Once again, we made it through "The Bowl Season". The Bowl Season is a plot put forth by the merchants and the women of the world. Ingenious ploy; give those males what they want — football, football, FOOTBALL — plus, throw in food and cheerleaders. It's like hooking a five-pound bass.

What do the women get in return? Trips to places they wouldn't normally go, like San Diego, Miami, Hawaii, New Orleans, Nashville and Scottsdale (all in the winter, after becoming a crazy, shrieking banshee after holiday gatherings). Guess what? Nice hotels (you don't make the bed), great food (you don't have to cook or clean up), and the BIG "S" (shopping at after-Christmas prices everywhere). Lovely ladies shopping everywhere, and those men didn't even know what hit them — BCS is code for "Babes Can Shop"! Whether your husband's team (theoretically, your team, too) wins or loses, you've made out like a bandit. 

Even if you don't get to go to a Bowl location, women have the home-field advantage. They throw out every easy-made (bad for you, but mass quantities are consumed watching the commercials) food they can think of from "Recipes Gone Wild". Women then get you to invite one of your buds, or maybe your wing-man and his wife, over for a Bowl game — and the next time you look up, the wives are gone to Gordman's or Penn Square.

Bowl shopping has its own scoring system. If the MSRP (car lingo) or original price is $120, then you get a 33% mark-down, then another price reduction of 25% for the Red Tag price, plus use your 20% off coupon and another 10% if you use their charge card... Are you with me? If you went shopping during a Bowl game, they probably still owe YOU money or merchandise. 

You still have time — the Super Bowl isn't until February 1st. Heck, you only have until Valentine's Day before all offers are void where prohibited.