Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Great Debate

A great debate rages between the US and Canada over who will sit on the throne. This is not a political debate — we're talking about the OTHER throne.

Bemis Manufacturing Co. (a US firm) and Centoco Plastics Ltd. ( a Canadian firm) are at each other's throats over the "Battle of the Bottoms." Yes, the dispute is over toilet seats.

Bemis claims those darn Canadians are lying about the size and the amount of wood in a WOODEN TOILET SEAT. I give up — what amount of wood is required in a wooden toilet seat? Centoco claims 5% to 20%, but Bemis says 40%. How about 100%, if you call it a WOODEN toilet seat?

Maybe the government would settle for non-wood toilet seats — after all, it usually goes with the cheapest bidder.

In Centoco's advertising they state, "Our wood seats are highly durable and superior for high-traffic locations." Where would that be? Maybe in a bar in Bricktown, the bus station or the Ford Center during a Michael BublĂ© concert. Then again, if you assigned it to a low-volume location, could it possibly last for 50 years? Oh, I forgot — there's not enough wood in there, percentage-wise, to entice the termites. Those buggers don't like that artificial filler junk in their food.

I wonder where cool tree-huggers actually sit on this issue? Please I urge you —  SIT AMERICAN!!!

Do yourself a favor — go out and do business with a locally-owned company today. These people are your neighbors, friends and supporters of your community's quality of life. Let's support them!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Aliens Are Organized — Are We?

A recent candidate for office in a Western state had as part of his platform to establish a plan in case of an alien landing, encounter, meeting or invasion. 

Don't laugh or scoff yet! If you don't believe in extraterrestrial alien beings, I can understand — but what does it hurt to have a plan? There is a plan if the highway is blocked by a wreck, a bridge collapses, or a bomb threat is made. There is a plan if you overflow gas at the pump, or a toilet breaks in a hotel, or they run out of nacho chips at Taco Bell. Why would we not want an Alien Exposure Plan (AEP)?

This AEP shouldn't cost much, but let's at least have one. Chucky Cheese has a lot of plans. Even stupid bank robbers have a plan — not a good one perhaps, but a plan. 

What if the aliens show up and we don't even have punch and cookies? What if you came this far and all you met were self-centered jerks that didn't have a plan? Couldn't you just look up in the sky and see (especially at night) that if somebody from up there comes here, don't I need a plan?

We are in luck — ol' Governor Brad Henry is a lame-duck governor, so he's the perfect guy to get our AEP started. Who cares if Oregon or Rhode Island has an AEP — we need to be the leader. Maybe Cleveland County should be the first county to have an AEP. If they showed up in Norman, there is not enough parking at the County Courthouse. If we are lucky, the aliens would know to go to the OU football stadium and get their pictures on the jumbotron.

Should our AEP include a meet-and-greet? Where do we tow them if it's a breakdown, or does Alien AAA cover it? Where do we put them up — at a hotel, motel or in private homes? Maybe the nearest bed & breakfast. Aliens probably don't know about bed & breakfasts — this gives us a chance to sneak up on them with the "Home Sweet Home" sweetness and homemade muffins. Muffins will get to the heart of their appearance.

Let's not make our plan too complicated, to overlook the obvious about our new friends. They won't speak Lebanese or French, so we need to have some Frank Sinatra music handy — everyone likes a little Sinatra. Finally, be sure and ask them if they need to freshen up a bit. After all, they may not have gone to the bathroom since Pluto.

I challenge Cleveland County to have the first AEP in Oklahoma, even if it means trying to find these aliens a can of Fresca.

If you catch yourself downtown in your car, go by Java Dave's on 10th St., just east of Broadway. Great locally roasted coffee, wireless access, baked goods, salads, sandwiches and desserts. A snack, quick lunch, or late night cup of joe. (It's just north of Bricktown, but easy to park.)

PS: The Pope recently said it's OK to believe in aliens. Maybe he knows something we don't......

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Pinky Lee...And Who Dressed Me?

Recently, I was getting ready for another busy day. As I was getting dressed, I chose a pink oxford cloth button-down collar shirt, gray slacks and a bright blue/pink/yellow/green striped tie. This would be a great spring outfit!
My first stop was a home inspection. Upon arrival, the inspector said, "You must be very confident of your manhood to wear that pink shirt." Well, I never thought it was in question. Aren't we way past this pink shirt pastel preponderance of ridicule for just trying to be stylish and using the whole palette of choices? It's just a shirt!

I'm a life-long reader of GQ magazine, former clothes salesman and life-long clothes horse. Now, could you convince my daughters I know how to dress? I think not. I'll admit my recent combos of clothes sometimes push the downward limits. 

My childhood friend Randy and I have spent a zillion hours over the years looking at men's clothes to find the "Greatest Bargain of the Western Hemisphere". A lot of styles and trends have come and gone over the years such as bell bottoms, leisure suits with vests, big collar or small collar shirts. Ties with flowers, stars, stripes, globs, assorted abstract figures and cars. Shirts in yellow, blue, pink, green, beige which are plain, plaid, striped, or with goofy designs have graced your upper torso.

Our mecca of conservative clothing for men is fixing to close — Harold's Men's Wear on Campus Corner in Norman. When I read this, I didn't know whether to cry or go out and gather protesters to march with big signs. Then I realized it had sold its soul to the corporate demi-gods instead of staying a small family business. The home of the rugby shirt, 429 loafers and the endless madras shirt will close the doors, no matter what anybody does.

Our world keeps going in spite of the Harold's Campus Corner closing because Oklahomans are resilient. A change to another long-standing icon of individual style in clothing, Langston's department store in Stockyards City, is that place. Now remember my new mantra — "Only Real Cowboys Wear Pink Shirts!"

A short tip: If you have guttering, please clean them out ASAP — and if you don't have gutters, get them. This will save and relieve stress on that big asset — YOUR HOME.

Say "hi" if you see me (the guy in the pink shirt)...

Friday, May 2, 2008

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

There is only one answer for this question — your dog will. We all have puppies that are so sweet, but they grow and grow and grow, and sometimes reach enormous proportions. I've been to a lot of classes on personality types, psychological studies, buyer trends and emotional needs, and profiles of end-users — but none reveal the heart and mind of a dog owner.

Some would only dream of having a small one, some dream of only a large one, and others think a middle-sized one is "just right". Lap dogs, inside dogs, outside dogs. They all have two things in common — eating and pooping. As long as I don't have to step in it or clean it up, then I'm cool with it.

Also amazing is the longer people are together with their dog, the more they look alike. Is there a name for this phenomenon? Doglution, humasdoglooks, nosedozation, or maybe dogeneopoly — if you know, let me know!

Test scores and ratings are HUGE in education these days, so I'm proud to announce a little achievement of my own. In the recent CBS Sports NCAA March Madness Bracket Challenge, out of over 4 million contestants, I was 106,367th (looking good up there with the UPPER percentile of bad boys). Do statistics lie? I don't think so!

If you get a chance, check out the new Warren Theatres in Moore. What a class act! Food service balconies, a '50s diner inside, a fireplace seating area, 25" wide seats (comfortable to no end — pun intended), and the rich look of old downtown theatres of the 1930s, which I was privileged in the 1960s to visit in downtown OKC, before they tore them down for urban renewal. There were ten theatres in downtown OKC — some were not so elaborate, but a half-dozen were to die for.

Remember, if you try to pet a strange dog, it's your hand...