Saturday, November 8, 2008

There Is No Recipe for Leftover Chocolate

Give me your word, and then I'll let you in on the world's most highly kept secret. That's right, I trust you with this closely-guarded, cherished bit of classified info.

Gold, diamonds, stocks, bonds or currency are not the most valuable forms of exchange — no, our world runs on chocolate. All other wealth barometers like the Gold Standard, oil prices of resources, and money from all countries are smoke screens to hide the amount of chocolate that trades hands in the entire world. Kings (more so, their wives), queens, world leaders, PTA presidents, or your own wives, are all run by the effects of chocolate.

You may be saying, "He's a conspiracy nutball," but let me convince you. Think about who it affects, my friend — women, men, women, children, women, businesswomen, orphans, women, mothers, women, and all those who've tasted this addictive elixir of brain-sensor-triggering sweet or bittersweet substance. It's a worldwide conspiracy, with the key players going for dominance of the world. Let's take a look at the culprits: Godiva, Hershey, Nestle, Mars, Ghiradelli, Swiss, or numerous candymakers that are vying for world to-choco-tarianism

It's more addictive than meth, worse than a heroin junkie, and the number of choco-addicts is greater than the millions of ciggie smokers. As the plot thickens, let me explain the craftiness of these perpetrators. Chocolate for Valentine's, fudge, or Christmas bells/Santa Claus chocolate figures in catchy aluminum wrappings, hollow chocolate bunnies for Easter (do you see a pattern here?), sold and given to each other like lemmings running off a cliff.

How can chocolate affect you? Well, it makes grown women cry, yell, throw things or slam phones (and that's just lady Realtors). Guns are pulled, knives are waved, combs or brushes wielded, or even pepper spray shadow of use can make most people give over the chocolate. If you've ever seen the wild fire in a lady's eyes who's coming for the chocolate, you've seen SATAN (you've been warned, my friend, you've been warned...). 

Don't think this war is like the cheery little M&M characters — we're talking all sorts of devious worldwide covert operations. The CIA (Chocolate Intelligence Army), which you probably thought meant something else, will stop at nothing to spread their addiction and control.

Why am I writing this, you ask? Think about all the chocolate exchanged for Halloween this year and tell me I'm a "conspiracy wacko". Now they've got your kids, unless you took all the chocolate away and left your kids with the orange or black wrapped peanut butter candies. Don't laugh — mean mothers are hooked that bad. Just remember that vanilla is the most-sold flavor of ice cream worldwide. Why? Because you put chocolate sauce on it, my friend, because you put chocolate (hot fudge) sauce on it.

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