Friday, March 6, 2009

The Economic Stimulus Knocks the Head Off the Scab

The economy is down with shades of up, our retirement savings are drastically decimated, but overall the crazies are amongst us — BEWARE! For example, an innocent man was killed over a queue-jumping incident, just for stepping in front of a lady to buy a pack of cigarettes. She had a third-party guy whack him on the head at a later time — BUT it was the wrong guy (like it was really OK if it had been the right person).

Next is an addict gone crazy (this lady happens to be a Chicken McNuggets addict). The cashier toeing the alleged company line at McDonalds took her order and money for Chicken McNuggets, but as in one of my favorite Seinfield episodes, "she knew how to take the reservation but not fill the reservation." You got it — at that point in time, they ran out of Chicken McNuggets. The McDonaldite was forceful in requiring her to make a "second-best choice." I guess she wasn't a burger girl or in a fish mood. She proceeded to call 911 not once, not twice, but THREE times, proclaiming "I won't settle for anything but Chicken McNuggets!" Let's put it this way — the local police were Burger King boys, What-A-Burger buddies, or Arbys-over-arguments type people. Yes, she was fined for misusing the 911 system, to the amount of about 30 Happy Meals.

Next on Glen Ray's radar is the car commercial shouting out that you can put a car on layaway for only $40. What the heck is this foolishness? Here I go again — when I was a mere lad, my mother and others like me with their mothers would go, try on for size, and put in layaway school clothes to start school every year. If you haven't figured this part out, it happened in July, so they'd be paid for by September when we started school. Parents would use the layaway system to pay out toys for Christmas (bicycles, if you were lucky). I digress — what the heck does $40 towards a $5,000, $10,000 or $15,000 car mean? By the time you'd pay out the vehicle, it would be old enough to qualify for a flat-fee antique tag!

The cable channel reality show "Rock of Love: Charm School" changes broads, bimbos and tarts into outstanding young ladies (let me sell you a Florida condo in a flood zone). Guess what? One of the aforementioned felines is suing Sharon Osbourne (Ozzie Osbourne's wife — which is her instant defense of a temporary insanity plea) over an altercation of throwing substances on camera. How "charming" — it's worse than a Jerry Springer YouTube clip, but not exactly an Emily Post moment.

Why don't we ever hear about eBay? That should give us the real feel for our economy. Is everyone selling their New Kids on the Block 1993 t-shirt, or their John F. Kennedy plate with all the other presidents on it? I want the daily eBay report, not the stock market.

Want to buy a candle that looks like Johnny Carson's wife, or cut in line to pay for milk and bread? Watch your back and your wallet!

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